The year 2021 is coming to an end, and I initially wanted to write a lengthy post that details this year as I reached one of the most significant milestones of my life; I became a father. However, I realized this year can be condensed into a few important “sounds.” So here is a brief write up about the year.
Becoming a father encompasses a wide range of changes, and I had to be accustomed to a random assortment of sounds: cooing sounds, my son constantly dropping something on the floor, peek-a-boos, high-pitched dolphin noise, and even snoring sounds through tiny, yet functional, nostrils. These sounds, that were infrequent and uncommon, have occupied my daily life, and my son is a relentless sound machine that laughs, cries, and poops way too frequently.
There is no greater joy than to hear my son bursting out in laughter in immense satisfaction without a trace of pain, suffering, and distress. At the same time, it is absolutely agonizing to hear my son cries in terror. I feel helpless when my best effort to calm him down does nothing to him. Why can’t my son just trust me that I would provide for him and protect him?
I’ve got another sound machine in my head. This machine constantly reminds me of crippling mistakes from the past and every unmitigated future risks imaginable.
“Don’t you think what you said earlier today was a bit insensitive?”
“What if you lose your job overnight?”
“Are you saving enough for the retirement?”
“Are you taking care of your body well?”
“Is everything going to be okay with your family?”
These sounds never go away. They force me to go to work, paralyze me with anxiety attacks, and produce nasty habits from nail biting to leg shaking. I wonder how my almighty Father feels when I am deep in my anxious state with these deafening thoughts. Would it be just as agonizing as me hearing my son crying in terror? Would he laugh at my foolishness of not being able to trust in him? For this upcoming year, I desire to have a greater trust in God’s sovereign plan. Not so much to live without any anxious thought, but to live a life that is pleasing to my heavenly Father.