Inclusion and exclusion, two sides of the same coin
Year 2024 was the first full year as a family of four, and the biggest surprise of the year was that being a father of two has been more enjoyable than I expected.
Imagine your wife gone for a night out with her friends, you were entrusted to take care of two kids on your own. Sensing a heavier dose of responsibility, I lean into the stress for hyper productivity.
My palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
There’s vomit on my sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
I am nervous, but on the surface I look calm and ready.
I flawlessly executed a complex operation involving feeding, washing, and diapering (nighttime edition). I was just about to deposit my second offspring into the crib, already mentally hoisting the victory flag and shedding a single, manly tear of triumph. One down, one to go! Then, my first son briefly interrupts me to adjust his pants. My eldest’s mid-pant adjustment derails the whole mission as my youngest vanished out of my sight. A frantic apartment-wide search revealed him… enjoying a spontaneous bath. Fully clothed. And then, because the universe clearly has a sense of humor, he decided to add a little extra something to the water. Let’s just say it wasn’t bubbles.
My tantalizingly close half of victory somehow ended up with a Class III biohazardous E. Coli super-colony and a son who needs to be washed and rinsed again!
What might have once triggered full-blown PTSD was now just another funny story. Having been a father for a while had given me a stronger pair of cojones (and maybe a few more gray hairs). I no longer shell-shocked over every new baby-related disaster; instead, my wife and I actually enjoyed navigating the chaos of raising two kids.
Nonetheless, I felt stretched at times to meet increasing demands of a growing family. As I write this, my wife is bedridden with the flu. And I just completed another night taking care of two kids on my own. Thankfully, no poop gate no. 2.
Between my time in the office and taking care of house chores, I didn’t have much free time to ponder about the world outside. I spent the most amount of time with my family than I have ever done before, a trend that I expect to continue.
I am increasingly exclusive with my time, energy, and attention, so that I can be hyper-inclusive to a small subset of people in my life. Whom to include and whom to exclude, a perpetual question that will follow us till our death, often becomes a source of personal agony and a focal point of political discourse in society at large.
Although inclusion and exclusion appear to be irreconcilably different, they are just two side of the same coin called priority (or preference). More than ever before, I had to let inclusion and exclusion, a pair of two semantically opposite words, interlace orthogonally to weave my day to day life, carefully discerning whether to spend time with my family or elsewhere.
I realize not everyone can simply dismiss less important work. I was fortunate to be able to prioritize my family, creating precious memories as we became a family of four. From witnessing my eldest son kiss his newborn to exploring the streets of Vietnam, I cherished this time focused on my family inside an exclusive bubble.
At the same time, we had a steady stream of visitors coming in town puncturing our exclusive bubble. I loved reconnecting with old friends and making new friends throughout the year. I did not feel isolated because of periodic and constant exposures outside the bubble. We also both managed to travel overseas independently: I went to Malawi for a mission trip, and my wife traveled to Hong Kong for a wedding.
However, my most important question of inclusion and exclusion has been about the kind of man I want to be. We all have different, often conflicting, ideas of what an ideal man should be. For me, a great man is virtuous. I want my sons to know that. I want to be the role model for them. I want them to have a father who is virtuous, or at least try really really hard to be virtuous. Throughout the year, I had a greater conviction to rid deficiencies that must be excluded out of my life and to nurture virtues that must be included. Seeing my first son thinks, reasons, and emulates much of what I do has given me a greater urgency. One area that I want to work on this upcoming year is to love others with no strings attached. As my time, energy, and attention have become increasingly scarce assets, I have observed a growing reluctance to love others.
The journey towards becoming a virtuous man is an ongoing process, and it is a journey I need to prioritize above all else. I hope, with a grace of God, to sustain desire to grow as a man in the year 2025. Happy new year everyone :)
